Thursday, October 25, 2007

For a moment...

It is a lot easier to say "Face your fear and deal with it" to someone else than to yourself. I fully realize this today when the lump I found on my right chest next to my armpit two days ago still did not go away. It really scared daylight out of me every time I told my self that I had to see a specialist. I would never be ready to hear the result if this is really a breast cancer or not. It's every woman's nightmare to be diagnosed with a breast cancer. I kept on thinking about my son and his future, about my parents, my husband, my brother and his family, my friends, and all other people that have touched my life. For a moment I saw my life flashing before my eyes and I broke down in tears because I was so afraid and so worried. But then again, I really need to know if this lump is a breast cancer or not.

When I woke up early morning to get ready to accompany my husband checking out the best kindy for my son, I saw there was something different about my upper body shape when I put on my bra. I thought my bra was too tight, so I changed to a bigger one. But that 'extra meat' still sticked out of my bra. I could not believe my eyes! I suddenly remembered clearly what I should do to check for any signs of a breast cancer. No matter how I tried to hide that extra meat, I still could see it. I called my husband to help me to check as well. He did feel and see the swollen on my right chest next to my armpit but he told me that it would most likely be my muscle. I felt a little bit better because I remembered I did my yoga exercise in the gym the night before and at that time, I had to do many push-ups.

But I was not completely relieved because I kept on questioning my self what if this is more than just a muscle. I texted my parents and they told me the lump might just be my body fat because I am overweight and they kept on telling me to reduce my intake and loose weight.
I felt even worse because I have been on diet (and I got gastric and stomachache) and I have been diligently going to the gym to shed some pounds.

I browsed the internet for any information about breast cancer. Overweight and poor diet can also be the factors that can cause a breast cancer. Oh please God! Give me a chance to take care of my son longer. This has been my short prayer since 2 days ago. I also spent more time with my son. I hugged him and kissed him more. I realize how life is so precious with my son in it. I realize how thin the line that separate life and death. One moment you are so much alive, the next moment you could be gone taking only your sinful soul.

I could not bear to think about all these alone. I really felt so lonely as always, and even lonelier when I had to face my worst fear. I knew I had to go and get my lump checked by a specialist before it was too late. So, before I could pluck up my courage to listen to any words that would come out of the specialist's mouth, I needed to give a call to my beloved friend, one of my many angels in my life. She told me to face my fear and deal with it. Whether I liked it or not, I had to get a proper check on my lump. Yeah...she's right. I cried for a while because I was so terrified.
After I hung up the phone, I dragged my self to go to the hospital. Along the way I could not stop praying so hard asking God for a second chance. I was like a zombie walking towards the customer service in the hospital. I could not even remember the clinic number where the specialist is. I just walked away like a lost child, asking many people whom I should see for my case. I went to many different clinics before I finally went to right one. I visited a general surgeon. There I realized that I forgot to bring my ID. Luckily, the hospital already has my detail in the database. The fear got into me again when the door was open for me.

The surgeon asked me to sit down and told him what happened with me then he asked me to lay down so that he could check my lump. "Where is the lump?", he asked me. I pointed the lump to him. He checked it thoroughly both sides and said, "This is nothing. This thing is part of your breast and the hard part is your muscle. There is nothing to worry about."
Oh God gracious!! Thank you very much for the second chance! I felt so relieved! I covered my face and could not stop saying Thank you God. I heard the surgeon said, "I know you were very worried, but if in 3 months you see that lump develops, you have to see me again. I may have missed something else." Oh God, please...I don't want to return to him. I want my second chance. I know I sound so selfish but honestly, I still want to see my son for as long as possible.
I really hope the surgeon is right that this lump is just part of my breast and my muscle that get bigger because I exercise a lot.

For a moment I saw my life flashing before my eyes. For a moment I did a bargaining with God. I begged God for a second chance and He granted me that second chance.
Now I have to learn to appreciate life more, learn to forgive and forget, and learn to be a better person as if I will die tomorrow because life is never mine forever. It's on loan. It can be taken away from me any time any way.

Thank you God for the second chance! Thank you for listening to my prayer! I baked the Thank you cake especially for you today together with my son, to show you how grateful I am for everything you have given me.

1 comment:

johnorford said...

This is so well witten, I was engrossed throughout. Thankfully with a happy ending too!! :)