Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Confession of a mother on mother's day

Kiss from mommy
Good morning my beloved son,

Every morning I wake up and see you still sleeping on my arm, I feel so grateful being who I am. I feel so grateful that you are my son. I feel so grateful that you have given me a chance to experience such a wonderful feeling to be a mother. I have no regret what so ever to have you as my son.

You are God's most precious gift to me for being so patient and persistent in believing that I would have you eventually and naturally though it took 5 years to finally have you in my arms, though I had given a 'death sentence' by many gynecologysts that it would be very difficult for me to conceive and because of this I had been mocked as useless person and have been ex-communicated by the people close to me. But you have saved me. Your presence at the right time have saved me from all the mocking I've got, have helped me to gain my dignity back and have helped me to prove that God always listens to my prayers.

My dear son, since the first time I found out that you were living inside me, I got so excited. Actually, I didn't quite believe you were there in the first place until your godmothers forced me to have a pregnancy test. Even then, I still refused to believe in the test. I wanted to hear personally from my doctor whom I trust. At that time I took the test, it was Sunday and my doctor wasn't available so I have to wait until Monday to get the confirmation about your presence in my tummy. Monday came and my doctor confirmed that you were there and she suggested me to have someone like a midwife or a doctor to monitor your growth and our health throughout the pregnancy.

Since that day, I really have mixed feeling about you. I was extremely happy, excited, scared, nervous, and blur at the same time.
I was very happy because finally my prayer has been answered.
I was excited because finally I would be a mother and I would have to experience a new life as a mother.
I was scared because I was afraid I couldn't become a good mother for you and I was afraid because I had to go through this pregnancy alone because at that time, I was in the exile working full time and trying to realize my other dream of having a degree and it was my final year and since I didn't know I was pregnant, I had taken extra papers and they were quite difficult ones.
I was nervous and blur because this was my first time to experience the pregnancy and I was not young anymore and I didn't know whom I could ask for help as your dad couldn't be with me throughout the pregnancy because of his work commitment.

But I really didn't need to worry at all because when God decided He wanted to give me the present, He made sure that I was ready.
He made sure that he has provided me with all the support I would need.
Age wise, I was really ready. My body sure is ready. I was quite healthy at that time.
But mental wise, God helped me to be ready by giving me the best midwife who really really did take good care of me and you throughout the pregnancy and the best of all, God has given me all my beloved friends and beloved lecturers to be around me 24/7 to support me and help me though they didn't live with me. They were there for me anytime I needed someone to be with me; to do my grocery shopping; to help me to look for a new place to stay that was very near to the place I studied and also was near to the hospital where you were born; to help me moving to that place; to help me with any difficulties in any assignments I had; to cook for me; to consult me when I was down; to be my temporary partner when I had to attend the pre-natal class without your daddy.
These people have supported me not only during the pregnancy, but they also have supported me during and after the delivery. What a wonderful people!

It was a very very smooth ride for me. I never felt alone at all. Everything I needed was there for me even just for a piece of bread when I was run out of bread, and really craved for the bread and I couldn't go to buy it, God suddenly sent his angels to deliver the bread to me.
I didn't know them but they said they were my neighbors and they were having bread party and everyone in the same building has the right to choose and eat which bread she/he wanted.
God has planned everything for us by sending me to live in that country you were born, the wonderful country that is full of friendly and helpful people, the country that has 1 of the best healthcare systems in the world, the country that is really a child-friendly country, the country that prioritize the pregnant women and children above all others.
Every where I went, people would talk to me and asked me about my big tummy. From a little girl till old ladies, they all were very happy to greet me.
You see, my son? How God is so great! He really made sure that you were comfortable inside my womb, though I had to take you to the labs many times and went home late at nite to do my assignments and to study for the exams, though the weather outside my womb was very cold because at that time was winter time. I did whatever I could to make you feel comfortable.

But no matter how comfortable my womb was, you chose to come out early. You decided to see the sinful world 2 weeks early from the due date. I was just reading my Harry Potter book at home alone when suddenly I had the urge to go to toilet and when I saw some blood coming out, I was quite numb.
I was afraid I had lost you. I called my midwife and was told that I would deliver you either that nite or the next morning.
I stood still frozen as I didn't expect you to come out early because your dad wouldn't be around when I had to deliver you and I wouldn't have anyone to hold my hands when I had to deal with the pain.
I suddenly felt so cold and panic. I didn't know what to do. I kept calling the midwife and she asked me to relax, take a deep breath, and start packing for staying at the hospital.

I couldn't concentrate, my son. I was very scared. I suddenly realized I was alone. When I was so confused and blur, again, God helped me. He sent my 2 beloved friends to be with me throughout the delivery. They were the true angels without wings for us, my son. I know we were so blessed. God knew that I would rather be with these 2 angels than with any other persons in the world to go through the pain to bring you out to this world. They were so patient and so funny. They kept me company and kept on playing jokes at me which really helped me to conquer the tremendous pain.
They let me hold their hands for comfort and strength to push you out to see the world for the first time. They were so wonderful. Though they didn't attend the pre-natal course with me, they knew what to do.

The help didn't stop there. God kept on sending His angels to help us till the day we had to leave them all. I cried so much when I had to say "goodbye" to all my angels because I don't know when I would be with them again. Perhaps someday we will be with them again.

In the mean time, mommy will focus on raising you together with your daddy. I know I'm not perfect and I still continue learning to be a good mother for you. One thing you should know, I love you unconditionally and I always pray for you. I know you still can't verbally say "I love you mommy" but I know you love me. I feel lifted up when you kiss me, when I hear your laughter, when you show me your new skill that you have just picked up, even when you show mommy your anger. You are God's magic performed in me. You are mommy's best present on every celebration I have including this coming mother's day. This is the second time I celebrate mother's day because of you. I love you, my son. Be a good person and always think positive! You are never alone because you know God is always with us.


i_luv_lavender said...

That was beautiful. You will indeed be a great mother. With so much struggle you went through you managed to see the bright side of it. I guess that is what that matters right.

coffeeliqueur said...

Thank you i_luv_lavender for your beautiful comment. I really do appreciate it.